For the last few months, I have had frequent dreams about taking a job. An office job where I have to go to work every day. Where I get to go home at the end of the day. A job where I can use my skills and education. A job where I get a paycheck without having to worry about how good sales have been that week or whether I am better off buying more inventory or if I made enough to actually give myself a paycheck at all that week. Now, I have several successful small businesses, so it is not that I NEED a job.

I figure I am not alone in having these sort of dreams, and I think I know why I am having them. First, owning a small business is stressful. Owning more than one is controlled chaos some days. So, the idea of having a job where I am paid for only what I am best at is very appealing. A job where I don’t have to worry about all of the other stuff (bookkeeping, for instance) sounds like a great idea some days. In my heart, though, I know I am not ready to be an employee again any time soon. Heaven knows I could not hold a job with as sick as I have been the last 4 months. I also really don’t want to put Eva in day care, so a traditional job is not really what I want right now.

I think the second reason is really the main reason I keep having these dreams. I know I have missed my chance to run away and join the circus. Not that I want or need to join the circus, just that my choices are limited more by doing this one thing than anything I have ever done. No longer is my life solely mine to play with, now I am somebody’s mother. I have responsibilities now that are bigger than anything I have ever done.

The thing is, I am known for making bold decisions and taking some pretty big risks with my life. I change careers, move cross country, or even get married, in less time than it takes most people to buy a car. Even more so, I am known for dreaming about making huge life changes. Life is a buffet and I intend to make the most of it. I am always looking for the next experience.

Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled to finally be a mother. I have wanted this since I was 2 years old. It is an adventure and a dream come true. Nor am I saying that I must cease dreaming or taking risks now that I am a mom. However, I know that some dreams must be put aside. Some risks are too much for me now. I need to consider someone else’s well-being before I make decisions now. To be the mother I want to be, to give Eva the life I want for her, I need to make “grown-up” decisions. Time and money (and fear for my daughter’s safety)won’t allow me to bike across Europe or hike the Appalachian Trail any time soon. I can’t uproot my life and move in with friend’s in another state just to see whether I like it. I can’t just decide to sell all my businesses and start something new overnight (a temptation every time I get an email from a cranky customer or a supplier increases prices-again!). Going back to school, starting a different business, or taking an extended trip are all still possible as a mom, but they require more planning and thought when you are responsible for someone else.

What are the odds of my doing any of these things any time soon? I had no immediate plans to join the circus the week before I got pregnant. With or without a baby I am unlikely to join the circus in the next year. The key is that I have to be a “grown-up” now. Somebody I love with all my heart will be depending on me to make the best decisions possible and to put her needs above my own. Wonderful and awe-inspiring at the same time. Being a mom is better than any circus I could join.

We had our ultrasound last week to check that all of little Eva’s pieces are in the right places. According to the ultrasound she is perfect! I am so grateful to have a healthy baby on the way. Fortunately she is lying on her side with her head by my right hip so it was easy to see everything clearly. Now, I am ready for her to move as she is getting too tall to fit between my hip bones much longer so my stomach is feeling very stretched.

I asked my mom if she wanted to come to the ultrasound. I figured she would like to see one live since she has a lot of grandchildren (17 counting Eva) and has not yet seen a live ultrasound. She said she was glad to be there, but it was hard on her. Every time the technician said she was going to check for something like heart problems or cleft lip, my mother would hold her breath until all was pronounced good. I had already seen most of Eva on the 16 week ultrasound so I was not expecting any real problems. Still, it was a relief as each little part was cleared and we were told that everything was perfectly healthy.

The other good news…my blood pressure spontaneously dropped from 140/90 to 101/64. I have been taking extra calcium, eating tons of protein and drinking LOTS of water, but I am not sure how much is just my body adjusting to pregnancy and how much is due to my good efforts.

Scary though, I had serious cramping Sunday for about 6 hours. It eventually stopped when I took a nice long nap, but it made me nervous. By the time I managed to reach my midwife the cramps had stopped but she was more worried than I had been. I guess I tend to under-react for fear of overreacting. The midwife came to check my cervix and everything else at 9:30 PM on a Sunday. Find a doctor that will do that! Everything was fine and I just got a little lecture on why I SHOULD overreact sometimes and that if it happened again I was to get off my feet immediately and call the midwife if it lasted longer than 2 hours.